It isn't easy being a priest's wife (or indeed being a priest's children). Quite apart from the fishbowl effect, or people assuming that we are a direct conduit to my husband, or having to watch what we say because anything we do say can reflect on or be attributed to my husband, there is also the problem of THE NAME.
There are many different Orthodox Christian churches owing allegiance to various jurisdictions, usually identified with a core ethnic group and particular set of traditions and practices. There are four ancient patriarchates: Greece, Jersualem, Antioch, and Alexandria. There are also more recent (and recent is a very relative term) patriarchates -- Russia, Bulgaria, Serbia, Romania, and Georgia. There are also Oriental Orthodox Churches, including India, Armenia, Ethopia, and Eritrea. It's a set of complex global relationships.
What does this have to do with my not being a matushka?
Let me explain.
Matushka is the term usually used of a priest's wife in the Russian tradition. It means "little mother" and designates a specific role for the priest's wife within the parish. This is an unspoken, undefined, and totally assumed role.
Some matushki love the term - can hardly wait till their husbands are ordained and then claim it as their right. That's fine and good for them. I am not one of them.
I don't like the term because it is not what I am. I am a priest's wife, true, but a priest's wife in an English-speaking community among ten or more other priests' wives (I don't live in a parish but a seminary, so if you throw a stone hard enough on the seminary grounds you will probably hit a priest or a matushka).
Why should I be called matushka? My husband is called "Father X". Why do I have to answer to a tradition and a concept which is not mine? Try calling me "Mother X" and you can see how silly it sounds. I am not the "mother" of the campus community, nor frankly do I aspire to be so. I am not Russian (that's my husband's heritage). I don't need the title for status or to identify myself in some way: I have many other legitimate titles that people can use -- Mrs X, Professor X, or Dr X.
Also, there are nebulous expectations associated with being a matushka. Warmth, for one. Practical skills, for another. A willingness to step into the breach (church school, choir, coffee hour). Being cautious. Being self-effacing. Being sweet. Being dowdy seems to be another. Having an excessive respect for clerical hierarchy is assumed too.
I don't fit the bill. I am not warm (though I do care). I don't volunteer for church school, can't sing for toffee, resolutely refuse to have anything to do with organizing coffee hour, and, though I don't set out to embarrass my husband, I have a big mouth, my own opinions, and style of dress.
I do go to church. I do believe. I try (and often fail) to be a Christian.
I am a priest's wife. I am not a matushka.
I’m so glad to have come across your blog. I am also just a priest’s wife and do not like how the title of ‘matushka’ elevates a priest’s wife onto a superhuman pedestal – be it the matushka who elevates herself or the parishioners who elevate their standards of the wife. There seems to be such a divide out there on the role of a matushka and the use of the title. On the one hand, unlike you, I am of Russian heritage so the use of matushka is something I’m used to when referring to the wife of the priest – it’s a tradition for me. I won’t bite someone’s head off if they refer to me as matushka as it is a part of my heritage. But I won't correct someone if they call me by my first name. I take no offense to it either way. On the other hand, I do not covet the title. At the dread judgment, I will be seen as the servant of God and nothing more. When I approach the chalice, again, I’m nothing but a servant of God. I am not above or below any other parishioner. I’m just another parishioner. As the wife of the priest, I’m there to support my husband in what he needs me to do – not what the parish thinks they need me to do. There is a huge distinction between supporting my husband and supporting the parish…the two are very separate entities. There is a difference when my husband comes to me and asks me to sing a service for him (which he sets up and provides all required support) versus when the parish has unspoken expectations of me to conduct and step up into the choir. Of course my husband will not ask this of me at this time as we have children and that is my priority. On the other hand, the parish looks at me and compares me to the matushka with 12 kids who still manages to conduct while breastfeeding...oh go around and be warm and friendly welcoming people and prepare food for trapeza. If she can do it, why can’t you?! Besides, you have less kids to deal with! Why is it that parishioners don’t understand we are all different bringing our own number of talons to the table just like any other servant of God? Raising children in the church is one of the greatest deeds any of us women can carry out as we are providing a future for our Church. Furthermore, your comment stating ‘I am not warm (but I do care)’ struck a chord with me. I’ve been labeled as cold and distant because I don’t greet people when they come into church. I never agreed to being a Hallmark greeting card! I care for people but not in an outwardly verbal fashion. Also in Church, that is the time to pray, not socialize and make people feel ‘at home’. If people have come to Church to pray, then they will feel ‘at home’ in their hearts and souls. An old priest once advised me: parishioners for some reason want to see the priest’s wife and family fail (thus the superhuman expectations) however remember that you serve God and not the parishioners. Not the most eloquently stated but definitely helps me when I’m being made to feel like a huge disappointment and failure to for not fulfilling the parish's expectations.
ReplyDeleteThanks for responding. It is nice to know that I am not alone - though you have a much more demanding role than I do, as we are not in a regular parish and don't have to bear all the real and assumed responsibilities.
ReplyDeleteChrist is Risen!
Hi, I'm a producer at a TV production company and I'm looking into the world of priests' wives. I really love your perspective and I'm curious if you'd willing to share your experiences with me. If interested, please email me at doctelevisioncasting(at)gmail(dot)com. Thanks Juliet!
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